edit and review my paper please?

1)choose an issue,
2)explain both sides of the issue, citing key-decision makers, and
3)choose which side of the issue you agree with, and cite the reasons and evidence that support your position, based upon the research you’ve done.

here is what i have so far:

Today in America the federal government regulates many aspects of the vehicles we drive and manufacture.

Starting in 1974, the United States started issuing requirements for new cars to help reduce pollution and lower gas usage. Although many environmentalists praised the government’s actions and thought it to be great for our country, many people disagreed because of the economic effects. Not only do all the smog reducing measures cost money, they also reduce the power and efficiency of cars. Some people believe it is a sacrifice that must be made in the fight against pollution and global warming.

President George W. Bush has stated that most pollution prevention should be voluntary because of the economic hardships many American companies would face, especially our already struggling auto manufacturers.
President Bush has not increased regulations or set future benchmarks for the auto industry since he took office in 2000. Presidential-Elect Barack Obama has stated that he would require that the entire product line from a car company must average thirty five miles per gallon by 2020 to help reduce our dependency on foreign oil and save the environment.

Both views have ups and downs. It is important to our health and our future that we have a clean environment, but it is also important that we have a strong economy. Obama’s plan would be very hurtful to American manufacturers in particular because domestic automakers dominate the truck and sport utility vehicle market. As of now, the only American made hybrid vehicle is the Ford Escape, but Japanese companies import over seven different hybrid models. American manufactures who have already been severely weakened by the high gas prices and foreign competition, have laid off thousands of employees over the last five years. Last year Ford Motor Company alone laid off 30,000 employees.

Since automobile emissions began being regulated in 1974, pollution per vehicle is down drastically, but because of the increase in cars on the road and our driving habits, pollution levels are nearly the same as they were thirty years ago, and our gas usage is higher than ever despite the great strides made in fuel economy. However many families now own two or
more cars, forty years ago two cars was considered a luxury and most
families just had one. Today more than 21 million households own
two cars, and nearly 2 million households own five or more cars. A large
part of the need for more cars per household in the last few decades is
due to urban sprawl. Today many families rely on two incomes, whereas
in the past usually only the father worked. All these things have caused
our gasoline usage and pollution from automobiles to skyrocket. If our
government had not begun regulating emissions back in 1974, pollution
and gasoline usage could easily be twice of what it is today. Obama’s plan
for stricter restrictions would help control emissions in the future as more
and more cars are on the roads each year.

I believe that auto emissions and fuel economy should not be regulated in any way. I believe that you should be able to buy whatever vehicle you want with your own money, if you can afford a gas guzzler, you should be able to drive one if you’d like. I think that tax breaks for owners of hybrid cars are good. Clean, efficient cars should be encouraged, but not required. My car has a 302 cubic inch V8 engine that only gets about 16 miles per gallon. I spend a lot of money on gas, but that is my choice. I love the power my car has and I’m willing to spend extra money on gas for it. I removed all the smog reducing equipment and removed my catalytic converters and both my car’s power and gas mileage improved noticeably. Because I do not have the restrictions of the smog equipment, the engine now can breathe much more freely. I strongly believe that different people have different priorities and opinions and that it is unfair to say one person’s opinion is more important than another’s, so we should all be able to drive whatever we like.

this is for writing 122 in a community college. if that makes a difference in how you critique it.

Environmental Pollution

One Response to “edit and review my paper please?”

1. Pollution on January 31st, 2010 6:28 am

   Composting

   I think you did pretty great as grammar and spelling go. It wouldn’t be right for me to try and critique any other aspects of the paper, I would have no Idea was doing. Anyways, here’s what I found;

   1. Fourth paragraph, the first sentence is run on, instead of “Since automobile emissions began being regulated in 1974, pollution per vehicle is down drastically, but because of the increase in cars on the road and our driving habits, pollution levels are nearly the same as they were thirty years ago, and our gas usage is higher than ever despite the great strides made in fuel economy.”, I would write “Since automobile emissions began being regulated in 1974, pollution per vehicle is down drastically. Because of the increase in cars on the road and our driving habits however, pollution levels are nearly the same as they were thirty years ago. Our gas usage is higher than ever despite the great strides made in fuel economy.”

   2. Immediately following error #1, “However many families now own two or more cars, forty years ago two cars was considered a luxury and most families just had one.” I might be wrong, I read over it quickly, but I think the “However” is unnecessary here, I would just start the sentence with “Many families…”

   3. At the end of the same paragraph “… as more and more cars are on the roads each year.” It’s probably stupid for me to be picking at this sentence, it’s technically correct. The reason is that I think it sounds somewhat awkward (to me anyways) and could be rephrased.

   4. The second sentence of the last paragraph is run on as well. I would change “I believe that you should be able to buy whatever vehicle you want with your own money, if you can afford a gas guzzler, you should be able to drive one if you’d like.” to “I believe that you should be able to buy whatever vehicle you want with your own money. If you can afford a gas guzzler, you should be able to drive one if you’d like.” So I’d pretty much swap a comma for a period. Leave it to me to take an entire paragraph to say that.

   5. And finally the last sentence; “I strongly believe that different people have different priorities and opinions and that it is unfair to say one person’s opinion is more important than another’s #### so we should all be able to drive whatever we like.” See where I deleted your comma and put all the #s? I think the sentence needs to be split up there. Obviously the part after the #s will have to be rephrased but I’ll leave that up to you.

   Anyways, I think you did amazingly but then what do I know? That’s really all the problems I can find. Even so, they’re really more of suggestions. Good luck.

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